The Sleepover

My younger brother is having a friend sleep over tonight.

Brother: *fart*
Brother & Friend: *giggle*
Friend: *fart*
Brother: "Oh god. That smells like Jack. I need to turn on the light for that one!"

America! It's thriller time!

Walking with friend when all of a sudden...

Friend: *speeds up and passes me* "America, America!!" *does thriller*.

Me: "..."

Armie Hammer

Mom: "Can you get some baking soda while you're in the pantry?"
Brother: "The Arm & Hammer stuff?"
Mom: "Armie Hammer fucks?"

Brain Fart

In the middle of a conversation with my younger brother...

Me: "Huh?"
Brother: "What?"
Me: "What did you just say? That made no sense whatsoever."
Brother: "What? Brain fart?"
Me: "..."

Missing the Lotion

For whatever reason it may be, in our family one way that we make money as the kids in the house is to massage the parents feet. How this started? Who knows.

Anyway, the 'rents were out eating dinner when mom sent this text to me.

"Thinking of you and the missing lotion on my feet."

...I didn't even respond.